After the TV program about our journey was broadcasted, we have received many positive feedback and encouragement. It is comforting to know that our story has touched people and inspired many, and that the lessons that we learned through our suffering has values to others. Gohan watched the program twice, each time choking back his tears. He asked me to forward it to his friends.
The air feels lighter as we feel fulfilled by the release of the program. However, at one recent dinner after the broadcast, Gohan suddenly said that he is leaving soon because he could feel it. I was shocked because he has never said things like that before. He has always been positive and assures me that he is not going to leave me alone in this world because he loves me too much. I asked him why, he replied that he saw unpleasant things in his dreams which makes him feel that his time is up. I asked him what he saw, he said that he saw people crying at his funeral service, but wouldn't say more. From his expression, I know there are other things he saw that are disturbing him. I reminded him that in 2015 when we learned that his cancer has spread to his brain, he asked God for an extension of his life so he could celebrate my 60th birthday with me, which is only two months away. He smiled and said "yes I remembered the wish and I will stay to celebrate your birthday"
Gohan was anorexic after he returned from Taiwan in Nov. He lost interest in food and was fatigued. Despite my great efforts to make food that he may eat, he lost 10 lbs in 2 weeks, compounded by diarrhea that was caused by Tagrisso. Also, he refused to go to the hospital to do routine MRI and CT scan. He said he has no energy for scans which, in addition to commute and wait time, requiring him stay on the claustrophobic scan bed for one hour or more. Without the scan there is no way to tell whether his decline was caused by the cancer or from overexertion from the Taiwan trip. I was panic. As we all know, without food, we can not live. Food became a sore topic and evoked discord in our relationship. We haven't spoken in loud voice to each other for the past few years, but we started to argue about how much he should eat. He felt that I was controlling him. Looking back, I know it was because I was not ready for him to go.
In our Dec. visit, judging from his anorexia, a common syndrome among people coming to the end, Dr. Wakelee suspected the end is coming for him. She would have recommended hospice, but judging from clinical evidence that he is aware and functioning, she believed that Tagrisso is still working for him. She recommended palliative care instead of hospice so he could continue on Tagrisso which will keep his cancer from inflicting pain as his body gradually shuts down. No scans are needed if he doesn't want to and we don't need to go see her either. Although I knew the end will one day come, I was devastated to hear her recommendations.
I have heard that oncologists have a common trait which give them the zest to fight in a merciless world of cancer, that is, they don't give up unless the patient is in death bed. So Dr. Wakelee prescribed mirtazapine, an antidepressant that is known to cause weight gain to help improve Gohan's appetite. She advised to give it two weeks to see the effects. I gave Gohan a full dosage as prescribed, but he slept the whole day. So after trial and error, I cut the pill and only give him 1/4 of the prescribed dosage like I do for many of his medicine. His body is so fragile, and his metabolism is slow, any medicine has strong and lasting effects on him than when he was healthy.
I have learned patience in the past four years, patience in taking care him of and patience in waiting. But this time, my patience is put in test again as I waited for the med to take effect while seeing him wasting away day by day, his cheeks sunken and his body slim. Then after three long weeks, just when I decided to give up, he finishes one bowl of soy milk, the only food he would eat at that time, and asked for something more filling. The next day, he asked for more food. Gradually his appetite improved and his weight is stabilized. Subsequently he had more energy and asked me to take him to his favorite state park which is one hour away. He was so excited that he skipped his mid day nap. I was relieved and amazed because I knew how close he was to death. I thank God for having mercy on him and me. Now he could live to watch the TV program released.
So when Gohan told me that he is leaving the world, I couldn't believe it. He is not going up hills, but he is stable. In fighting cancer, stable is good progress. I started to recall the training that I had at church regarding spiritual warfare. Satan looks for people who are weak and vulnerable to attack. Also when a Christian is giving testimony or spreading the gospel, he or she became a target of Satan's spiritual attack. Gohan met both criteria. I told Gohan God only gives peaceful thoughts, He does not disturb us with negative or fearful thoughts. So the scary things that he was seeing or dreaming must not be coming from God. We went to our cell group meeting that night and asked the members to pray for him. Afterwards, he had a good sleep that night. However, two days later, before he went to bed, he looked at me tenderly and spoke softly 'don't cry when I am gone'. "You told me you will never leave me" I almost cried. He calmly replied "I have to go when God calls me home", this time without sadness like he used to. He is ready.
More than a year ago, in Oct 2016, he was hospitalized for obsessive recurring thoughts and hallucination which was caused by cancer cells and which interferes with his daily function. Fortunately with Seroquel medicine, the problem went away. I could try giving him higher dosage of seroquel but I doubt it will work because he is not talking about the subject repeatedly all day long like he used to when he was stuck. This time he only mentioned it every other day, so it is unlikely hallucination or illusion. Then is it a spiritual warfare, or is he preparing to leave? I want to believe it is the former. Please pray for us.
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